Here is the transcription of my most recent video blog:
(And here’s the audio on AnchorFM)
Hey everybody, it’s Queen Mab, and today, I’m going to talk to you a little bit about my complex feelings when I go to watch a symphony orchestra concert. Now, I went last night to hear the symphony orchestra here in my city. I’m not gonna say the name of it, but if you’ve been following me, you know where I live, and you know which one that is. They’ve got a great new venue, which was very exciting to see, and it was great to go there with some old friends.
This was the first time in a really long time that I’ve been to the symphony. And it’s hard for me, because when I was in late high school, and my first couple years of college, I really wanted to be a symphony musician, and I made sure to go and hear either my local symphony or the Chicago Symphony when I was in college every possible chance that I could get. I actually went once – whatever the name of the Paris orchestra is – was in town, and they were doing Rite of Spring, and I went downtown with some friends, and we didn’t know if we were going to get in or not. And we couldn’t get in for the first half, but then for the second half, they let us in, and there were no seats. And so I went and I stood in the back, and this usher came up to me, and I thought was gonna kick me out. And I looked at the usher and said, “The only way I am leaving this concert hall is in the back of a squad car.” And the usher said, “Right this way,” and gave me a seat. So that was a pretty cool experience – to get to hear the Rite of Spring in that context.
But anyway, I was watching the orchestra last night, and I was looking at the back where the percussionists sit, and it was all dudes. And that’s pretty typical, I would say. Now, to reflect on my own internalized misogyny, if there had been a woman there, I would have been thinking, “Oh my God, I hate her! She’s better than me. She managed to get through like, all the barriers and all the nonsense and all the pain, and oh my God, why can’t I just be more like her?” However, I still would have rather been having those feelings than to be looking back there and going, “Why? Like, why is it all men?” Okay?
And then I started to beat myself up, because I was like, “Well, why didn’t I try harder for that orchestral career?” And the truth is that I just don’t think I’m square enough. That’s a horrible way to put it, but I remember practicing the excerpts over and over and over and over again, and then STILL not being right, and STILL having timing problems, and STILL missing notes, and all of these things – and then playing them behind the screen – which is GOOD, by the way. I am a big fan of the screen. It is kind of a dehumanizing experience, and I felt like I was a trained monkey. And I didn’t want to be that. I wanted to be more like a jazz musician who can create things and create things on the spot. Now, we’ll talk another day about my experiences with the jazz side of the fence, which I think has just as many problems as the classical side of the fence, if we’re being really honest. But anyway, you know, it…it was hard last night. They played great. It was beautiful to listen to, but…
The other thing that came up for me is that when I listen to music, a former lover of mine pointed this out to me…I can’t sit still. I have to move, okay? And an orchestra concert is not the place to do that, so I was really trying to be careful about staying in my seat and moving, but not moving too much, and not being too distracting, and hopefully I struck a good balance, because nobody complained. But I mean…if I have to move, I can’t be a symphony musician, because they don’t get to move, you know? They get to emote somewhat while they play, but you know, they have to really rein it in, and that’s hard for me.
So anyway, if you are a musician – especially a recovering classical musician – I’d love to hear your story. You know – leave me a comment. And thanks so much for tuning in today. My name is Queen Mab, and you can check out queenmabmusic.com for more of my comment…(my comment!)…my content…to find out what I do instead of being a symphony musician. Don’t forget to like, comment, subscribe, and I’ll see you next time.