Here is the transcription of my most recent video blog:
(And here’s the audio on AnchorFM)
Hey friends, it’s Queen Mab, and today, I am going to talk about the concept of ego – especially as it is discussed in the Twelve Step rooms. So the word “ego” in this culture pretty much universally has a very, very negative connotation, and if anybody ever says to someone, “Hey, like, leave your ego out of it,” or “Check your ego” or “We’re not about ego here,” the message in general is like…stop doing whatever you’re doing, because it’s obnoxious. Sometimes I think it’s also to say to someone, like…”Hey, you know, we don’t want to hear what you have to say,” or “We don’t want to hear your feelings,” which definitely, in some contexts, can make a lot of sense, okay?
So here’s my problem with this. The concept of ego really just refers to having a sense of self. Like, I think that’s the literal definition of the word. So why is it that we’re telling people it isn’t a good thing to have a sense of self? Now, in the book I read by Holly Whitaker – “Quit Like A Woman” – and also in “Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the Twelve Steps” by Charlotte Kasl – both of them argue that since the Twelve Step programs were started by very powerful white men, these were people who needed to break down their egos. Like, that really was the path to freedom for them. But for women and people of color and I would probably also for some men, maybe, who’ve, you know, been severely abused or experienced any kind of discrimination…maybe for being disabled, or who knows…that that is not actually the way to go. That these folks who are more on the margins of society really need to build up their senses of self.
So I think for me, I find that it really is a balance. And that was something I loved from Charlotte Kasl’s book. She said “It’s not about obliterating the ego. It’s about getting the ego to merge with compassion and awareness.” I had read that sentence like, fifteen times, and highlight it, and come back to it again, and again, and again. Because like I said, all I’ve been hearing the whole time I’ve been going to these programs is “Get your ego out of the way,” okay?
Now, it’s probably very easy to argue that I have a big ego, ‘cuz first of all, I…I mean, I do solo shows…and um, I vlog…and you know, so, obviously, I must be like, a self-centered narcissist…an egomaniac at the center of the universe, or whatever Eric Clapton said. [I think I meant “egomaniac with an inferiority complex.”] It’s possible. And…I haven’t found that way of thinking to be especially helpful to my own recovery. It’s a lot easier for me to treat others with kindness if I’m first treating myself with kindness – although I will give you a hint: it was very difficult for me to extend any kindness or compassion towards myself before I understood my neurology. Because again, I literally thought that I was a piece of crap.
So I don’t know if I am going to post this one; this one’s a little vulnerable. But I’m going to finish up like I am gonna post it and say: If you like what I’m talking about, visit queenmabmusic.com. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe, and I’ll see you next time. Bye!