Here is the transcription of my most recent video blog:

(And here’s the audio on AnchorFM)

Hey, it’s Queen Mab, and…oh, you knew it was coming, ‘cuz I warned you yesterday…today I’m going to talk about fanny packs. Now, why is this so interesting to me? Because in the U.S., a fanny pack is like the height of dorkiness and being stuck in the early 90’s and just generally being sort of a frumpy middle aged suburban housewife type. And I think that’s changing a little bit with the festival crowd, but I don’t really understand the festival crowd, because for the life of me, it makes no sense why people want to go out to the hottest, most uncomfortable part of the desert, dress up in costumes, take drugs, and then wait in line for Port-A-Potties. I mean, I’m all about costumes, don’t get me wrong, but all the rest of it doesn’t really appeal to me. So anyway, I have no desire to be like the festival people. 

But back to the fanny pack thing. So when I lived in Brazil, I noticed that a lot of women there would wear these like external pockets on the outside of their clothes. It almost looked like a tool belt, and it’s called a cartucheira. And I recently learned that that is the same word for like an ammo belt, okay? So I actually owned at one point two different cartucheiras. One was zebra print and one was leopard print. They were delightful. I’m so mad that I got rid of them, but I did, ‘cuz in the U.S., people don’t use them, and so I would wear them, and people would be like, “Hey lady! Nice fanny pack!” Okay? So I got rid of those.

So I also noticed women using them in Argentina, where I’ve only been very briefly, and then when I went to Uruguay in 2019, there were also a lot of women there using them, okay? So I was at this women’s music event, and there were a lot of vendors selling different things, and lo and behold, there were some people selling things that looked like the cartucheiras that I used to see in Brazil. The only problem was – they all had marijuana leaves on them. Now, I’m all for legalization of weed. If you like to smoke weed, good for you! In fact, I’m envious of you, because it makes me really paranoid and really uncomfortable, and I can’t do it. Do you know how hard it is to be a musician who can’t smoke weed? It’s very, very difficult. I’ll just – I’ll tell you. You don’t wanna try it. So I didn’t buy the weed fanny packs. I bought a different fanny pack, which looks pretty much like…here, I’ll show you…

(holds up fanny pack)

…you know…pretty ordinary fanny pack. This gal who makes it, her name is Minga. So if you ever go to Montevideo, look her up, ‘cuz she makes backpacks, she makes it all. They’re really rad. So anyways, I bought it, and then I was like, “Oh my God, like, can I actually use this?” But I started using it. You know why? Because I’m tired of women’s pants not having pockets. I don’t understand why this is. Or skirts either! I mean…I remember reading an article about it, and I think it had something to do with the French Revolution…or maybe just sexism in general. I’ll link to the article that I did find as I was preparing for this video, but it’s really, really frustrating not to be able to keep my keys, and my phone, and the things that I need on my person, right? To have to have it be in a bag or be in a backpack or whatever. So even if I look like a stoned festival goer…even if I look like a frumpy middle aged housewife…I don’t care. I’m gonna use my fanny pack.

The reason this all came up for me was because I realized that I had recorded a video where I was wearing it and not hiding it. So…anyway, I guess this is the end of me pretending to be cool. I’m gonna share my fanny pack video with you, and I hope you enjoy it. So um…please leave me a comment or like, subscribe, whatever if you have opinions about fanny packs…or about lack of pockets in women’s clothing…and men! I have a challenge for you. Why don’t you try for one week not putting anything in your pockets…see what it’s like? All right, report back, let me know how it goes. Bye!

04:21  (begin performance video)

QM: Umm…

Ash: Keep it coming…

QM: This is “I Hate to Meditate”…because I freakin’ hate to meditate.

I hate to meditate

But I do it, anyway

I hate to meditate

Doesn’t matter what they say

I hate to meditate

In the morning or at night

I hate to meditate

Makes me want to start a fight

Everybody says that you should meditate

Yeah, mindfulness is all the rage

If you learn to control your “monkey mind”

You can free yourself from the existential cage

Sit on a cushion, listen to yourself breathe

Watch the thoughts just float on by

It’s about as exciting as golf on TV

Or sitting around and watching paint dry

I hate to meditate

Even though I think I should

I hate to meditate

Everybody says it’s good

I hate to meditate

Yeah, you know I’ve really tried it

I hate to meditate

I won’t lie – I despise it

I thought that the pain would be gone at last

If I went ahead and took a meditation class

I thought, maybe if I learn to do it properly

It won’t be so damn unpleasant for me

When I walked in, I knew I was screwed

I was sitting right across from an attractive dude

No way could I focus on this boring crap

When all I really want is to sit on his lap, yeah

I hate to meditate

Yeah, I’d rather just be lazy

I hate to meditate

Yeah, you know it drives me crazy

I hate to meditate

Yeah, you know I can’t stop thinking

I hate to meditate

Makes me want to take up drinking

I knew if he was learning how to meditate

There was almost no chance he’d be single or straight

I did my best to focus on breathing in

But all that I could seem to think about was him

The teacher said, “Focus on the feelings in your body!”

I thought, are you crazy? Not around this hottie!

If I did that, I’d fall out of my chair

And grab big handful of his chest hair

I hate to meditate

‘Specially when I want some action

I hate to meditate

Yeah, I can’t get any traction

I hate to meditate

But you know, I’m really trying

I hate to meditate

But it makes me feel like crying

Some weeks he would come, and others no,

It was driving me crazy, yeah, I had to know

So one night we went out to a bar

I was really quite excited to get that far

He laughed when I told him what was on my mind

Yeah, he acted like a prick the whole damn time

At the end of the night, I felt so pissed

I didn’t even get my freakin’ goodbye kiss!

Well now, I sat with my feelings like they told me to

I accepted what had come to pass

And I gave myself compassion for my lesson learned, yeah

Never date someone from meditation class

I hate to meditate

But I guess I’m glad I learned

I hate to meditate

Yeah, it helps when I’ve been burned

I hate to meditate

But I guess I’ll keep it up

I hate to meditate

Maybe someday it won’t suck

(I’m not holding my breath)

QM: Thank you. Thank you. That was “I Hate to Meditate.” Because I really do.

Cashew: Really WHAT?!?!?

QM: WHAT!?!? Okay.

Fanny Packs (and I Hate to Meditate)

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